and then there were four… 

Does anyone ever get there head round the idea that they are growing a tiny human? As I sit on the sofa (my current favourite haunt) I ponder this and think to a friend’s  comment, whilst holding her beautiful baby boy, which was that she still couldn’t believe it. Even with those chubby gorgeous thighs in her hands. 

It’s the most natural thing in the world. Women having been growing new humans for an eternity. We have to be grateful as it keeps the world going round. And I know for sure that I’m not the first person to weep as the nausea comes on fiercely, definitely not the first person to quietly demand their husband goes out to get chips/biscuits/bagels (insert a variety of carbs here) and certainly not the only person to have stared at their stomach intently (quizzically) trying to sum up X-ray vision to see what is truly below that layer of blubber – having seen the scans but scowling shortly afterwards thinking ‘nah just not possible’. 

However, ladies, we do. Women’s bodies are mostly, but not always, designed to produce a child or two. My blood actually boils at the pressure to have children, the presumption that it’s what everyone wants and inevitable. It’s not. Either by personal choice or the choice being made for us by our bodies, we often can’t, won’t or simply don’t want to reproduce. And that’s ok. Even though I did finally succumb to the idea – a bit like marriage, I didn’t want to for ages and then one day – I just did. It’s ok to change your mind. There’s no right or wrong. Life choice are personal and shouldn’t be frowned upon by friends, family or the media. 

So I’ve been growing this human for about six months now. Still not adjusted and as the time ticks away I want to feel nervous, excited or petrified but the overwhelming feeling is still disbelief and quite a lack of acknowledgement that it will happen. 

I have gone through a gruelling sickness til week 16 or so, had a short respite from the nausea, only for it to return in around week 21. It feels like I’ve just been ill, a bad virus… some sort of ongoing ailment. I think maybe having spent a fairly hefty amount of time in hospital in my life, feeling sick feels like recovery or just ‘quite normal’ and hard to translate into, oh I’m feeling like this because actually I’m pregnant. I’ve got very used to the sickness. I’m very luckily I can hide at home a lot, cut my work load down a lot and seek out refuge under the duvet on regular occasions. I take my hat off with amazement (and sympathy) to anyone surviving pregnancy sickness whilst enduring a daily commute, long working hours and having to function on a daily basis. I admire you – from the safety of my home with a packet of ginger biscuits close by and small dog snuggled on me acting as the perfect hot water bottle. 

I may moan but it’s not a complaint. This sickness is a blessing that represents that my body did something awesome and if this is what it takes – so be it. I may have given the local chippy a huge boost in business, I may have turned down too many social invitations and sadly have many favourite band gig tickets that went unused, but it’s part of the process. It’s not the pregnancy I imagined (making the most of freedom, visiting every gallery and exhibition, lovely lunches with other mums-to-be and Saturday afternoons at Mothercare) but it’s still pretty cool. I still feel in awe of this happening and still enjoy knowing that ‘I’m frickin pregnant’ even if I feel like a stretched, dizzy, weak large mammal that wallows arounds with food constantly in my mouth and dragging myself to the park once a day (having a Billy needing his walks is probably the only reason I ever transfer from pyjamas to actual clothes – however tempting it is to walk him in the former). 

So roll on the next twelve weeks (say what?!) although roll slowly as there’s a lot that still needs doing, painting, buying and putting together in that time, and let’s meet this new addition to the world who will obviously sleep through the night and be the model child (any hope?), they will expand our family, allow enjoy a whole new wealth of topics of conversations (poo volcanos and getting into school), give us new destinations like soft play, allow enjoying not having to queue anymore for stuff like toilets and parking spaces (winner!) and have an extra adorable addition to Instagram photos! 

Wish us luck. 


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